Emotions .

Sometimes i wish i couldn't talk.
Sometimes i wish i couldn't walk.
Sometimes i wish i couldn't speak.
Sometimes i wish i couldn't see.
Sometimes i wish i couldn't hear.

why?

because, then i actually realize that I'm taking so much things for granted, taking so much things, that other people would dream to have and mine, just putting it to garbage. Sometimes thinking what i have is never going to be enough, i always want more, never being contented of what i have.

Sometimes i don't realize what i have been doing , from what i say to what i do. and it sucks because
it tears me up inside and i just .. just try to be strong, because it hurts when i see people suffering because i hurt them and that's what i hate about myself, i don't think before i do my actions and at the end it just comes back down to me, just me basically hurting my self. What do i do when you don't have enough strength to hold on? I try and try and try to keep how I'm feeling inside , To just keep smiling, to keep laughing to be happy.. but every time i come to this setting when I'm writing a blog, .. the water splash comes. I guess this is the best i can do , because i hate it when i open up to my friends make me feel, like I'm killing there joy in life, while really they got a lot to enjoy.
Obviously a lot more than me.. I love seeing them happy, i love seeing them smile, and i do it for them & for me there smiles are enough, because i.. i really don't have the ability to be happy and make myself happy. to even smile.. While people think I'm enjoying life, I'm here. so hurt without no one knowing it, & i don't even know why I'm writing it on my blog but this is the only thing i can open up too, and i know there ready to offer there shoulder on me, but i just hate it.. i hate it, i hate everything! I hate how it's like this, i hate what i have become, i hate how after forcing my self to laugh, to smile, i hate at the end it always ends up with tears , i hate when people see me cry, it just kills me . So instead I'm just here, sitting down writing this , and oh yeah.. crying.
pretending to be so happy, pretending to smile every minute. or even yet wasting every minute of my life.. being fake to the world.. Every single night i can't help but cry, can't help but to be torn apart, and i don't know but I'm always so emotional because in the REAL WORLD, It's me, just not the real me . I'm always wondering when this will end, when the ending will be, wondering when it's going to okay again. I'm always asking constantly but no one has any answers, I'm out there in the real world, laughing, smiling, talking, acting like life is the best thing that ever happened . but again I come here and that's when i realize the things, the people Ive hurt, the people that hurt me .. truly the only place when I'm happy is at yfc, because that's when my mind gets of everything, when i have peace of mind. But on a regular day basis , I feel like i always have to put a suit on , to get hurt once again..
I have so much to write, But i just can't hold the tears back, I'm acting like there's nothing wrong, but.. actually there is. everything is wrong, and nothings right. I always want the answers .. every minute is a mistake.. and im starting to think something, something that I've never wanted to say even in my life. but I'm not going too... well not at least not yet, because I'm not loosing hope.
not at all ... I'm trying to be happy, thinking that , "AW, errrrone happy. WOOOOOOOOT "
Then there's me , that's okay, i can do this right? ...
well anyways, I'm gonna be back in the real world soon, wish me luck .
because tomorrow , is another change to turn it all around..


goodnight.